Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln, Carlos Danger and Senator Scumbag

A quarter-century from now, on the first Monday in March, school children will have the day off.  Mail will not be delivered.  Banks will be closed. Washington, D.C. will be a ghost town.

The first Monday in March will be the day the nation will pause to commemorate the titanic deeds, the valor, the gallantry of great Americans that, in the time of national peril, made the difference to protect the nation from being delivered into tyrannical hands.  Called “Liberators’ Day,” the holiday will remind all Americans, of the contribution all these icons of liberty made to preserving the blessings of liberty to all Americans, documented and not.

These are the men with their images carved in the side of Mount Rushmore – Washington and Jefferson among the Founding Fathers; Lincoln, a Moses-like figure who led the country through the heartbreaking Civil War that eventually produced a new birth of freedom; and Teddy Roosevelt, who propelled the country to its global stature and was a paragon of the country’s natural resources and beauty.

And then there’s Carlos Danger and Senator Scumbag, who when the country stood on the abyss of falling into a Dantesque inferno of hopelessness, desperation, moral decay and political correctness, changed the course of history and put the country on a path to becoming great again.

Who knew that the liberties and freedoms of Americans, codified in the Bill of Rights, were pulled out of a consuming, despotic fire by a pervert trolling the Internet for dates with pre-teens finishing up their periodontists’ visits, and a United States Senator bludgeoned by a Mafia button man for welching on real-estate investment payoffs?  But that is the enormous debt we forever will owe to disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, known to a generation of Justin Bieber fans as Carlos Danger, and to former U.S. Senator Harry Reid, known to his children and religious groups as Senator Scumbag.

It was March 3, 2016 when news broke that Weiner was caught right-handed (the left was occupied) sending selfies of his awakened junk to junior-high cheerleaders.  Months later, in an effort to curry favor with FBI investigators, he handed over a laptop computer he shared with his estranged wife, Huma Abedin, that contained 640,000 emails from her time as the closest aide to former Secretary of State and presidential wannabe Hillary Clinton.

In the final weeks of the presidential campaign, FBI Director James Comey second-guessed his get-out-of jail-free card issued to Mrs. Clinton for her illegal, unsecured, bathroom-located email server that functioned as a digital Mata Hari to foreign governments.  With days to go before Election Day, Comey announced that the Feds were re-examining Clinton’s server for super-secret emails that may have been pilfered by foreign governments and stored on Weiner’s laptop that they now studied while in hazmat suits.  The FBI announcement brought Clinton’s campaign momentum to a screeching halt.  It gave Americans a last-chance of reflection, reminding them that nowhere was there a carbon-based life form in the Milky Way Galaxy that ever considered Hillary honest.  That catch-your-breath moment woke the population from its media-induced Clinton-cult hypnosis and made Donald Trump president, thus saving the republic.

Senator Scumbag is equally the quintessential American hero for his saving of Americans’ liberties.  As the senate’s majority leader during the administration of President Obama, Reid blew up hundreds of years of senate tradition and rules requiring two-thirds vote by the body – called cloture – to pass federal judicial nominations.  Instead, his edict enabled consent of nominees by just a majority vote, which he controlled.  Likewise, he scuttled the cloture rule on some legislative initiatives, enabling his Democrat majority to pass previously sidelined proposals by latching them to budget items called ‘reconciliation’, also requiring just a majority to pass.  That’s how Obamacare was born.

Thanks to these myopic power plays, the senate, now in the hands of Republicans, can pass Trump’s Supreme Court nominees by following the same majority-vote prescription written by Senator Reid.  If nominees are Constitutional constructionists, as Mr. Trump promised, the Supreme Court may have a conservative majority for generations to come.  Again, the republic is saved.

Years from now, school children will write essays, recite poems and sing new verses of “My Country Tis’ of Thee” extolling the epic accomplishments of Carlos Danger and Senator Scumbag that resulted in securing Constitutional protections for all Americans at the nation’s most precarious moment since World War II.  Postal stamps ($1.50 each) will depict Anthony Weiner in a bare-chested selfie and Harry Reid with a pirate-like patch over his right eye, his sight given in defense of his country and courage not to pay off a wiseguy named Carlo.  Kohls will have a Liberator’s Day 50 percent off sale with a $30 Kohls Cash kickback in honor of the senator.  Finally, Mount Rushmore will have two new faces — well, maybe one new face and one new set of bulging tidy whities.

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